the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
