And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
