Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
