you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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