the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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