when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
