I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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