woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
is it fun? or sober?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
