Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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