What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
