GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
