I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
