I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
