She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
