there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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