I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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