My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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