Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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