I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you win again, gameday.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
