I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
porn star boner night. come get it.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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