I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
