I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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