What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm too high and old for this...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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