hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I looked at my own cervix.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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