I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
