i think i scared a bird with my dick
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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