I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
