Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
