I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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