Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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