but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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