whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
