I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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