Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
