Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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