That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
