sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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