You're earring is so big in my mouth
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
