I just cut my nipple shaving
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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