The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
