You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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