i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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