you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
