Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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