Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize