one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
