Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
