He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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