I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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