It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
