Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
