the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
